I value our relationship and respect the privacy of your information, which is why, as a precautionary measure, I am writing to let you know about a data security incident that involves your personal information. This message is being sent in compliance with Maryland Code Com. Law §§ 14-3501 relating to PHI breach notification requirements.
I’m sorry to inform you that your private data has likely been compromised by a massive data breach, including, but not limited to, all of your personal health data, financial records, genetic codes, location data, exercise routines, and eating habits. It is likely that everything ever known about you is now in the hands of ruthless hackers from the tiny nation state of Seychelles.
I am ashamed and embarrassed that this happened, and I can offer no good explanation for this other than to say that it is an experiment gone bad. Over the last 15 years, I have been secretly collecting data about you and everyone else I know in an attempt to build a massive information trove which I figured would some day have some commercial value. I hacked into your doctor’s office computers, spied on your financial manager, downloaded data from your bank, and installed video cameras everywhere you go, with live feeds that were uploaded to my massive AI cluster where advanced big data analysis tools broke down every action, categorized it, and filed it in my database.
I should have known that a data repository such as this would represent a serious hacking target, but I did not employ even the most basic protection measures because I wanted to be consistent with industry norms and not draw any attention to my experiment with over the top security such as encryption and key management.
I am prepared to make reparations. In exchange for all the valuable data you’ve ever had about yourself, I am going to offer you 90 days of credit monitoring at no charge. Also, since you are extremely likely to have your identity stolen, I am willing to offer you a cover identity that you can rent for $50/month until said identity is also stolen, at which point a newer identity will be offered for a lump sum to be negotiated later.
Once again, I apologize, and I wish you a very nice day on this April 1, 2015.